SATIRE, 100%

P R O S E L Y T U S,
The Key to Shedding those Pounds of Sin

I know who you are. You’re a wife in a fulfilling marriage, a student doing just fine in school and in the social scene, and you, yes you, are a person who goes to that place you go at the same time on the same day every week like you can’t not have it in your routine to say hail and praise to that man upstairs.
But the truth is, your life is incomplete. Sure your marriage is going great, but is it really? Yes, you’re on the honor roll, but is that really enough? And sure, you attend your get-together regularly, but why only attend?
You actually feel a weight on you, and grip on your heart from that thing you know you’re guilty of.
It’s hard to walk without thinking that you might have once thought about how your neighbor Doug looked really hot with his shirt off when he mowed the lawn that one Sunday. Or how you’re a killer inside because you wanted to Billy to back off after he threatened to punch your nose into your face for curving the grade. Especially when you, yes YOU, didn’t actually think your preacher’s proclamation of not doing marriages for those who bump their ugly uglies was that great or something to be proud of.
But not to worry, there’s a chance to save yourself from the lung-compressing, blubbery, fun-feeling, crotch-tingling, tooth-rotting, cancer-causing, butthole-bleeding, eye-infecting stuffs that lead you down those “normal” thoughts in the first place.
Try P R O S E L Y T U S, the Key to Shedding those Pounds of Sin. Proselytus is a tested program that grants you the keys to the kingdom of no longer being burdened by those awful abominable thoughts of adequacy again, and the stepping stone to making you believe in the impossible.
You or your husband, not partner thank you, having trouble in keeping your marriage together because you only got married because you thought your names sounded cute mashed together only to realize you’re not a match made in Heaven and you’re fighting is making the kids miserable, Proselytus will curb those urges to take part in that damnation-worthy practice of divorce and make sure you and your loved one stay blissfully fundamental in your happy heterosexual love of hugging each other really hard.
And it’s not just for those mundane but still very damnation worthy problems. Proselytus is even for those really big problems too!
Struggling with that devil sauce called alcohol. Just take Proselytus and your liver will be singing hail mary after just one day!
Anger management so bad that you’ve thought about taking a hammer to your mother because she told you your jeans are too low and too loose. Proselytus will work for you in under a day or less and you’ll emerge a sedate little angel worthy of rivalling the Son of God himself.
But not really. Because Jesus was not man, but almighty spirit made flesh and so he could not even conceive a terrible hell-spawn though like you can.
Don’t believe me, though you should, just look at the story of Jay. This guy was bone-thin, all hair from his body fallen away because of the chemo, and his doctors told him his cancer would kill him in three months, and worst of all, he wasn’t a believer.
But! With Proselytus, Jay found that extra nudge to see that he was being put to a test, and it was even powerful enough to imbue his surgeon with the holy power of steady hands and expert cutting to get rid of that nasty tumor for good. Any consequence of the fact that Jay was subject to an immune boosting treatment that made the tumor shrink down to a grape and the fact that doctor had performed ten other surgeries like that perfectly before is not important.
But then you ask, wait! What if I still feel those feelings and think those thoughts? Not too worry. Prsoelytus is set up so that even if you do, you can still enjoy all its benefits because of our Absolution program. So you can still enjoy that whiskey or visiting that whore every Thursday night or even missing that one Sunday morning group. Just take Proselytus and all that pesky guilt will be absolved and you can keep coming back for more to “feel” like you’re actually a good person.

*Warning: We do not take responsibility for if you still get divorced, still feel wrathful, still in poverty, still a faggot, still an alcoholic, still a drug addict, or still an awful terrible person. You’re just being tested and simply aren’t trying hard enough and blind to the idea that it’s all part of a plan. And totally not because life just works that way regardless of anything and that maybe you need to do more than just talk about finding God like it was a magic cure-all pill that you’d only find in those weight loss ads.

P R O S E L Y T U S.     Because causing no harm and being part of another ideology that nearly practices the same damn thing isn’t enough or is just the wrong path for some reason.